Woman Unkind
by Melizzy511
Summary: They love each other. Really, they do.
1. Chapter 1

**This story is based on the Led Zepplin song "Goin' to California." Chapter titles are lines from the song.**

Olivia Benson surveyed the carnage that was once her apartment before taking a swig from the bottle that has been her companion lately more than she'd like to admit. Her relationship with Alex, if that's what you could call it, seemed to propel her need for alcohol.

Both women knew they were destroying each other, and neither knew or even cared how to stop it. They were caught in a vicious cycle of love, fight, hit and hurt, sleep around and come back together only to repeat the cycle once again.

Across the room Alex stared at her reflection in a glass of amber liquid, remembering the first time she had a black eye, not surprisingly at the hands of Olivia and conversely the first time the brunette received a black eye courtesy of the blonde.

Alex glanced across the room at her sometime lover and winced at the swollen and cut lip she'd given the brunette. Her eyes darted away as Olivia caught her starring and the brunette did her own version of a wince at the angry red marks around Alex's neck.

Neither woman acknowledged even to themselves the torn remnants of clothing the other wore. For Olivia, her outermost shirt was torn down the front and her tight fitting t-shirt underneath was now speckled with blood from Alex's nose and her own lip.

Alex, dressed up for Trevor Langan in a red fuck me dress, had quit trying to get the now torn strap to stay in place. She knew that if she looked on the floor she'd find a trail of red sequins along with her torn panties and Olivia's boy shorts. She'd also find tufts of brown and blonde hair if she cared to look.

Alex downed her drink and set the glass on the coffee table, jumping as it collapsed. Across from her Olivia couldn't help but snort. Alex paused and then joined in the laughter.

"I'm sorry about that Olivia."

The brunette waved her comment off. "I needed a new one anyway." She took another swig from the bottle. "Why did you sleep with Trevor?"

"I didn't." At Olivia's disbelieving look she ducked her head. "Ok, so I planned on sleeping with him tonight, but Olivia, you told me to go find some blue blood dick." She straightened up. "So I did."

Olivia mumbled under her breath.

"What did you say?"

She cleared her throat. "I said I didn't mean it. I've never meant it Alex. Every time you sleep with somebody else or I sleep with somebody else it hurts me."

Alex cocked her head. "Then why do you say all those things Olivia?"

Olivia had tears in her eyes. "Probably for the same reason you hit me." She leaned forward, the tears now spilling down her cheeks. "I love you Alex."

"And I love you Olivia, but we're dangerous together. What we do to each other is dangerous. One day we're going to end up seriously hurting each other."

Olivia wiped her nose and nodded. "I know. I'd rather die than hurt you Alex."

Alex got up and made her way to the brunette. "We can't go on like this Olivia."

"I know." She stood and gently kissed Alex on the lips. "So what do we do?"

Now Alex had tears flowing down her face. "We don't do this any more Olivia. Not now and not for a long while."

They hugged briefly, each wanting to cling to the other for a long time.

"Do you want a ride home?"

Alex shook her head and scooped up her shoes, putting them on. "If you'll call me a cab?"

While Olivia was making the call, she slipped out the door and out of the brunette's life. Olivia hurried to the window and watched the disheveled blonde disappear into the yellow cab.

The cabbie glanced at Alex in the rear view mirror and did a double take.

"Lady, you all right?"

Alex caught his eyes in the mirror and nodded. "I'll be fine." We'll be fine.


	2. Fresh Start

Alex dashed into the summer house as the rain continued to fall. She stomped her shoes and shook her head, trying to dislodge the last of the rain from her locks. She jumped as two arms went around her waist and warm lips followed on her neck.

"Tracey..."

"What? I'm just trying to warm you up."

"You've been trying to warm me up the same way for the last week!"

Tracey smiled at her and continued kissing her. "Alex, we've been going out for 6 weeks. and the most I've gotten is a heavy make out session! I've waited for you longer than I've waited for anybody!"

Alex turned in her arms and smiled at her. "Then let's not wait any longer."

She kissed the brunette and then led her into the bedroom. Once there, she allowed the woman to lay her down on the bed and undress her. They began to move against each other and to love on each other. A few times thoughts of Olivia entered her mind, but Alex quickly pushed them away, intent on getting on with her life.

She'd taken a leave of absence after their last fight and gone to the Cape. She'd spent time reading and resting and healing. Her third day there, she'd met Tracey at the market she owned. Alex had been polite but distant, not yet ready to get on with her dating life. The brunette had been persistent and eventually Alex had agreed to go out with her. One date turned into two and so on. She was kind and gentle with Alex and the complete opposite of Olivia. That both excited and depressed the blonde.

Alex climaxed and held the other woman to her. Eventually Tracey allowed Alex to flip her over and go to work on her. Alex lapped at her lover with a hunger she'd never shown to anyone before. This woman tasted different than Olivia, felt different and was different. By the time Alex finished with her, the other woman was calling her name and begging her to stop.

Alex pulled back, wiped her mouth and smiled.

"Worth the wait?"

Tracey reached for her. "Hell yes!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia finished packing up her desk and managed to smile at Elliot.

"You sure you don't want to tell me what's really going on?"

"Leave it alone Elliot."

"When you coming back?"

Olivia shook her head. "I don't know."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

2 Weeks Later

Alex had returned to work that morning and felt ready to make an appearance in the bull pen. She'd spent a final two weeks with Tracey in sexual bliss and even though she liked the woman, she had no plans to continue seeing her. It was at best a fling to help her get over Olivia.

Alex steeled herself and strode through the squad room, faltering when she saw the clear desk of Olivia Benson. She glanced at Elliot who had watched her reappearance and noted her hesitation upon seeing Olivia's empty desk. He'd long suspected there was something going on between the two, mainly because they both seemed to sport bruises at the same time.

"Where's Olivia?"

Elliot cocked his head and chewed on his lower lip. "Gone. She's on a leave as of two weeks ago. Don't know what's going on with her. Do you have any idea?"

Alex shook her head and looked surprised. "Why would I know? I…don't know." She hurried on into Cragen's office.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Long Beach, CA

Olivia awoke to find two bodies entangled around her. She'd been minding her own business at a little bar by the pier when a couple came in and struck up a conversation with her. The woman, a small blonde, was attractive, but the husband by her side was kind of mousey looking. She'd been surprised when they closed in around her and asked her if she were sexually adventurous and then suggested a three-way.

Olivia had declined citing her lack of desire for dick at this particular time, but thanked them anyway. She was further surprised when the woman had pulled her head down and whispered that her husband was looking to have a dick in his ass.

Last Night

"Uh, in case you haven't noticed, I don't have a dick."  
"Which is why we chose you. He likes to be dominated every now and then and as you can see, I'm a petite little thing. He likes the strap-on."

"Why not just get a real guy?"

"It's safer this way. Fake dicks don't get STD's usually. And this way I get what I want, which is to have sex with a hot woman." She moved into Olivia's personal space and smiled up at her. "And I like it rough."

Olivia did a quick mental count of her life and decided what the hell. If some mousey man wanted to get fucked, so be it. She would tear his ass a new one and then fuck the life out of his wife.

Olivia had dominated and even humiliated the husband. She called him every name in the book while pounding hiss and refused to touch his dick, knowing it would bring him over the edge. She made him reach completion on his own and then ripped the condom off and mounted his wife.

To her surprise, she actually enjoyed the sex they had and even allowed the blonde to pleasure her. She had however relegated the husband to the bathroom, refusing to let him watch or have sex with his wife after they'd finished. And the man was sporting a raging erection which Olivia refused to let him relieve until she was good and ready, and then only by masturbating.

She eased out of bed and went into the bathroom, relieving herself. She was starring in the mirror when the blonde came into the bathroom and wrapped her arms around Olivia's waist.

"Let's take a shower and have some fun."

"Uh, Joy, I don't think that's a good idea."

She gave Olivia a sultry smile. "But I really, really want to thank you for giving me the best sex I've had in a long time." She slipped her hand between Olivia's legs and rubbed. She found a particularly sensitive spot on Olivia, causing the brunette to moan.

Soon they were in the shower and Joy was on her knees tongue fucking Olivia.

Afterwards, Olivia quickly dressed and as she was about to leave the hotel room, Joy caught her and handed her a card.

"We live here. If you want to get together again, just the two of us, let me know."

Olivia managed a nod and shoved the card in her back pocket. She hurried out of the room and got into her rental car. She pulled out onto the freeway and headed for LA, trying to outrun what she'd just spent the night doing, tears streaming down her face.  
XXXXXXXXXXX

That Night

NYC

Alex Cabot sat in the widow of her apartment, starring down at the street below. Her mind wandered to Olivia and where she was and what she was doing. Her cell phone rang and she looked at the caller ID, finding that it was Tracey. She silenced the ringer and tossed the phone aside. She also sent up a prayer to whoever might be listening that the brunette was safe.

Malibu

Olivia sat on the beach watching the sun set over the ocean and thought about her actions from the night before. She was ashamed and scared. And she missed Alex and wanted her and wanted to be with her. She looked at her cell phone and started to dial the blonde but stopped. Sighing, she got up and started walking down the beach, trying to leave her life behind.


	3. Aching in My Heart

3 Weeks Later

Alex Cabot nervously looked around the room and finding an empty seat, she quietly sat down, keeping her head lowered. She'd started seeing a shrink right after she'd returned to work and found Olivia gone. She had, after a few sessions, been brutally honest about her relationship with Olivia which had resulted in her agreement to take anger management classes.

Fearful she might run into some of the perps she'd prosecuted in Manhattan, she'd opted for a subway ride to Brooklyn and the anonymity she hoped to find. She was in a class for women, who seemed to be from all walks of life and socio-economic backgrounds.

"Ladies. Welcome to Anger Management 101. I'd like to commend each of you for recognizing that you have a problem controlling your anger and taking steps to learn how to non-violently deal with it. Look around you and realize that you are all abusers to whatever degree and are here because you have hurt someone you love. Know that you are not alone and that this is a fixable issue. Now, let's get started."

XXXXXXXXXX

LaGuardia Airport

Olivia shivered as she caught a cab from the airport. During the last five weeks she'd grown accustomed to the warm weather of southern California and coming back to the nippy weather of late Autumn in New York was a shock.

She'd caught the red-eye in from LA and was on her way to the station. After that disastrous night in Long Beach, she'd steered clear of any intimate relationships, opting to work on herself instead. She'd taking up jogging on the beach each morning and even the cliché yoga class each day. And spiritually she'd taken up meditation.

She'd also confronted her growing need for alcohol and had started attending adult children of alcoholics meetings. She'd also stopped drinking anything that wasn't natural. That included coffee, which her mind tried to tell her counted as natural because it was grown on the vine, but she'd refused to give in.

Sitting in the back of the cab she sighed and watched the city zip by, thinking about what awaited her and her life in New York.

XXXXXXXXX

1 Week Later

Olivia was pulling a double shift, opting for the solitude of the station to the intrusiveness of the city. Elliot had been respectful but persistent in asking about her time away, which resulted in her finally telling him she'd gone to LA, gotten in touch with her inner fruit cake and to just leave her alone.

She was engrossed in a case report when the distinct click-clack of heels caught her attention. She looked up just as Alex had noticed the familiar form and both women stared at the other.

"You're back."

Olivia nodded. "So are you."

"Yes. I uh, I just needed to drop this off for Cragen." She gave Olivia a tight smile and moved in the direction of the captain's office.

She took her time placing the file on his desk, wanting to say more to Olivia, but unsure of what. She'd just figured out what she wanted to say as she neared the brunette's desk. She was just about to ask her question when the sound of footfalls caught her attention.

Both women looked up and Alex cringed when she saw Trevor. She also noticed that Olivia's eyes narrowed slightly, but otherwise she looked calm.

"Alex? I thought you just had to drop something off? We're going to be late." He looked at his watch.

Alex felt her anger boil up, but practicing what she'd learned so far in class, she tamped it down and went to her neutral zone.

"Trevor, I asked you to wait while I dropped the file off. We have plenty of time to get to Judge Swann's retirement reception. If you'll please excuse me, I'd like a moment with Olivia."

Trevor looked curious but relented and left the squad room. Alex walked over to Olivia's desk and tapped her on the shoulder.

"I'm glad your back Olivia."

Olivia nodded. "I'm glad you're back too Alex." She looked in the direction of Trevor and nodded. "You better not keep your date waiting."

Alex wanted to tell Olivia that it wasn't a date, that she didn't want anybody but her, that she was working on herself, but in the end she decided to just leave well enough alone. Olivia had come back, something Alex had feared she would not do.

Olivia watched the blonde walk away and noted that she was not wearing anything that screamed "fuck me" like the infamous red dress had, but that she was going to some function with the creepy Trevor Langan.  
Her hands itched for the familiarity of a beer bottle and her mind's first reaction was to go out and find something or someone to lay. Instead of following through with that, she grabbed her jacket and went in search of an ACOA meeting, wishing Alex was with her.


	4. Follow Today

**This is the story of two incredibly broken women trying to become whole. To the sad little guest reviewer who took issue with my criticizing the use of the word "husked," well, I think we all know who you are by your (correct use) reaction to this (there are only a handful of people who use that word in A/O fic and most are fans of your writing). Yes, I used your instead of you're; however, at least I was in the correct word family. Even the urban use of "husked" can't be applied to speech. It means undressing someone. Now, as for your assertion I am not a professional writer, I am currently finishing a book for a real, live publisher. I'd send you the link, but your (correct use) inability to man-up and review under your name (cowardly), makes that impossible. Yes, even professional writers make mistakes, but not entirely wrong words. Of course, we can't all be speed readers like you. I post and three minutes later you review? Sounds like someone with a bone to pick.  
**

"I don't care Alex! You lost the case, not us! Because of you more little girls are going to get molested and there's nothing we can do about it! Do you understand? Because you wouldn't let the jury deliberate on a lesser charge, they chose to acquit him!"

Olivia was standing toe to toe with Alex, and while the blonde's face had flushed with anger, she had said nothing during Olivia's diatribe. In part because she knew the other woman was right. She felt the familiar itch in her hands to throw something or to hit something or someone, namely Olivia.

Her jaw was clenched shut and her blood pressure was through the roof, but she was maintaining control, trying to go to her neutral place. She took a very deep breath and clenched and unclenched her hands. Olivia had caught sight of Alex's fist opening and closing and had steeled herself for the hit she knew was coming. Alex saw the tiniest flicker of fear in Olivia's eyes and immediately deflated her anger.

"You're right Olivia. I did screw up and yes, more little girls will probably be molested because I let him get away. All I can do is pray something very bad happens to him. This is just one more case I will live with for the rest of my life." She bent and picked up her briefcase. "I'm sorry."

Stunned by the lack of reaction from the blonde, Olivia watched her hurry away. When she began to feel the familiar itch for a bottle of beer, she pulled out her cell phone and dialed the number of her ACOA support person.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Brooklyn

Alex was pacing in the office of her anger management counselor. After she'd left Olivia at the station, she'd taken a cab to Brooklyn, afraid she might do something to a fellow subway rider.

"Tell me Alex, tell me exactly what set you off. Are you able to go through the thought process for that? Can you identify what triggered this anger?"

Alex stopped pacing and followed her thought process.

"I lost a very important case. I mean, they're all important, but this one involved a child molester and now more little girls will be molested. All because I was too arrogant to let the jury deliberate on a lesser charge. Something would have been better than nothing."

"Did you do the best you could? Could you have done more or anything differently?"

"I could have let them convict him on a lesser charge. It would have been something."

The counselor smiled at her. "I wasn't aware that the fate of the free world rested on your shoulders Alex. That God had given you so much power."

Alex's anger flared again. "I never said I was God, but I do think I could have done more! I can always do more."

"Ah, now the truth comes out. You've discussed your need to be perfect in group Alex. Where does that come from?"

Alex faltered and then flopped down into the chair across from her counselor.

"My father." She smiled. "My name is Alexandra. His name was Alexander. Guess what he always wanted?"

"A son."

Alex nodded. "He never directly said that to me but I spent all of my childhood knowing he wanted a son. And I had to work extra hard to get his attention. To be noticed. To get any sort of praise."

"And not getting it? That made you feel…."

"Angry. Very angry. I always thought that if I could just be better, do more, that he'd some how notice me."

"And when that didn't happen?"

Alex swallowed. "I got angry. I became ultra competitive. I wanted to win at any cost."

"And now?"

"And now it's personal when I lose a case. This isn't a debate or mock trial. This is somebody's life and I've failed them and that makes me sad and angry."

XXXXXXXXXX

"She didn't hit me or throw anything. I mean, I laid into her pretty good, but she didn't even start to react." Olivia looked at her support person. "What do you think that means?"

"I don't know, but I do know you need to keep working on you regardless of what happens with Alex. Ok?"

Olivia nodded and left the diner. She opted to walk home instead of catching a cab. She walked past a bar and decided to go in, needing to be around people, but not anybody she knew. She sat down at the bar and ordered herself a coke. A man sat down beside her and expressed an interest in her, but she waved him off, wanting to be with only one person on the face of the earth. And wondering where or with whom Alex was seeking comfort.


	5. Awake

**To the person who keeps insisting this story is not A/O because they are so very OOC. Well, domestic violence is real. It is especially real in the lesbian world. It's called real life and this story was originally written in the wake of the Rhianna/Chris Brown situation.  
**

**My A/O are no more out of character than an Olivia who is a mechanic (as in the wonderful Grease Monkey trilogy) or Alex who keeps going back to Robert after having an affair with Olivia in any number of fics around the globe. You always have the option of not reading. Won't hurt my feelings at all. Or you could reveal your anonymous self and post an actual review you have to be accountable for. For everyone else, the ladies are working on themselves.**

Alex let herself into her mother's house and went in search of the older woman. She found her in the kitchen and the older version of herself shut the refrigerator door and looked at her daughter.

"Alex?" She took in the unkempt appearance of her normally perfectly coiffed daughter. She wasn't wearing make-up, her hair was haphazardly thrown into a pony tail and she had on a pair of jeans and a ratty old sweatshirt. "What's happened? Has something happened to…whoever you're dating?"

Alex broke into tears and began nodding. "Olivia. She's…she's…."

Sandra Cabot pulled her daughter into a hug. "Alex, is she…dead?"

Alex shook her head. "No, but she did get hurt. Not bad, but Mama…Mama she had somebody else to take care of her."

Alex clutched her mother and let out all of the hurt, telling her mother about her relationship with Olivia, about the abuse and her anger and how they'd been apart. She told her mother about getting word that Olivia had been stabbed by a suspect, rushing to the hospital only to find another woman with Olivia, and being grateful that it was just a gash on the forearm.

Sandra Cabot walked her daughter over to the table and sat her down.

"Start from the beginning." She handed Alex some tissues. "And tell me about this abuse."

Alex looked ashamed. "Mama…I'm a batterer. I hit her. A lot actually."

"Alex!"

"Mama, please let me finish." She wiped her eyes. "I just get so angry sometimes and I lash out. I hit, scratch, push and sometimes I even throw things or use things to hit her." Alex shook her head.

Stunned, Sandra Cabot shook her head. "Does she…hit you?"

"Not at first and not for a long time. When she does, it's usually to get me off of her." Alex looked away. "Or at least it used to be. In the last few months we were together, I guess she got tired of being my punching bag, because she started hitting me back. Before she tried to get away and now she just hits me."

"Alex, at what point in your life did you decide it was ok to hit someone? You were raised better than this."

Alex broke out into a fresh wave of tears. "I'm sorry I disappointed you…again."

Sandra furrowed her brow. "Again? What do you mean?"

"I'm a lesbian. At least for the most part. I'm pretty sure you didn't want a dyke for a daughter and when I'm not sleeping with women, I'm sleeping with men. Different men." Her cheeks burned and she refused to look at her mother.

Sandra Cabot closed her eyes and sighed. "Please tell me you are at least careful Alex."

Unable to look at her mother she nodded. "I am."

"Alex, have you always been…violent in your relationships?"

"No. This is the first time. I…this job Mama. I see the absolute worst in people and I get so angry when I don't win because it means some slime ball gets to go back to hurting people. And I've disappointed the victims…and her. Just like Daddy."

"Your father?"

"I know daddy wanted a boy. I know he was always disappointed he had me instead."

"Your father loved you. Yes, he wanted a son and after you I wasn't able to have more children. We both finally accepted that and he threw everything into you Alex. Your father wasn't a man to show his emotions. He wasn't raised that way, didn't really know how. His father didn't praise him and while he tried to do better by you, he failed and he knew it."

"I tried so hard to please him."

Sandra cocked her head. "Is that why you were always so competitive?" Alex nodded. "Oh my dear daughter." She pulled Alex to her and stroked her hair as fresh tears poured down her face. "Tell me what we need to do to get you help."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia tried to roll over and winced as she realized moving her arm hurt. She finally got up and made her way into the bathroom and then down the hall to the kitchen where she found Jennifer making breakfast.

"Well look what the cat drug in." She pointed at the bar stool with the spatula. "How's the arm?"

"Hurts like a bitch." She took the pills that were put in front of her. "What's for breakfast?"

As they ate, Jennifer watched her moving eggs from one side of the plate to the other.

"What's wrong?"

Olivia shrugged. "I was sort of hoping Alex would come to the hospital yesterday or at least call." She looked sad and shrugged.

"I'm sorry."

The phone rang and Jennifer looked for permission to answer, which Olivia gave.

"Olivia Benson's residence."

"Uh yeah, can I speak to Liv?"

Jennifer gave the phone to Olivia and then went to the bathroom to give her some privacy.

"Benson."

"Who was that?"

"Good morning to you to Elliot. That was a friend."

"Was your 'friend' with you at the hospital?" She answered in the affirmative and he let out a 'huh.'

"What was that?"

"She must be the reason why Cabot bolted like a scalded dog."

"Alex? What about Alex?"

"I was with her when the call came in that you'd been hurt. She grabbed her coat and rode with me to the hospital. And even though you've never admitted that you and the blonde bomb are involved, I offered to let her go in to see you before me or the guys. I don't know what you said or did to her, but she was only gone for a minute or two when she came rushing back out. I was afraid you'd died. I tried to go after her but she disappeared and then the doctor came out and told us you were fine, but they were taking you to get stitches and it would be a while before we could see you again."

"Damn. She must have seen Jennifer."

"That your friends name?"

"It's not like that Elliot. Look, I gotta go."

She hung-up the phone and yelled, "Jennifer! She came to the hospital!"  
Jennifer stuck her head out of the bathroom with her toothbrush sticking out of her mouth. "Waw?"

Olivia rushed to her as best she could and smiled. "She came yesterday. Elliot said she came to the hospital! She still cares."


	6. Queen Without a King

**Thanks for the reviews and the PM's. AnonymousTroll, I don't have anger issues, I have issues dealing with intentional acts of stupidity.**

Alex Cabot had avoided the precinct for as long as possible and now she had to make an appearance. She tried to time her appearance so that she would not have to see Olivia, knowing she usually took lunch around this time. Sure the brunette was at lunch, she wasn't paying attention as she entered the squad room. She bumped right into Olivia.

"Oh, I'm sorry…" her voice trailed off as she realized she'd run into Olivia.

Alex had bumped Olivia's arm that had been gashed and was still carrying stitches. She grimaced as the pain registered.

"Alex…."

"Oh Liv, I'm sorry! I hope I didn't hurt you too badly? That's the arm that was injured, right?"

Olivia cradled her forearm and nodded. She took a good look at Alex and noticed the blonde had dark circles under her eyes, had lost some weight, and her hair was dull.

"It was just a scratch really. It's fine."

"It required 7 stitches Olivia! I hardly call that a scratch."

Olivia smiled. "How'd you know it took 7 stitches?"

Alex stammered before finally settling on the truth.

"I was with Elliot when he got the call you were hurt. I called Don the next day to make sure you were ok." Ok, so it was a truth of omission.

Olivia smiled again. "You also came to the hospital, saw me with Jennifer and took off. And you've driven by my apartment a few times."

Alex looked shocked. "How'd you know about that?"

"Mrs. Cano called me to tell me about an electric blue Lexus that had been driving by our building every night. Me being a police officer and all."

"I might have known that nosey old bat was on lookout." Alex blushed. "I'm sorry, but I was just concerned. I…I wasn't trying to spy on you. As for Jennifer, well, she seems to be taking care of you. I wish you all the best."

Alex tried to move away from Olivia, but the brunette stopped her.

"I'm not involved with Jennifer. Not like that."

Alex shook her head. "It's not my business Olivia."

Olivia felt her anger flare-up, but tried to keep it in check.

"It's your business if you want it to be Alex."

Alex was speechless. She shook her head. "I…I can't Olivia."

Now Olivia did grab Alex's arm. "Because of Trevor?"

Alex tried to shake free of the brunette. "What? No. I am not dating Trevor."

"So you're just sleeping with him?"

Alex was indignant. "No! We went to a judge's retirement party together, but that was not a date Olivia! Not at all."

"Then why not Alex? You look like shit, you've lost weight you really didn't need to lose and your hair is...well, it's just a disaster!" She moved in closer to the blonde. "Is there somebody else?"

Alex fought back her tears. "No Liv, there's nobody else, but I can't be with you right now. I can't be with anybody."

"So you want to be with me, but you can't be with me?"

"Yeah." She wiped at an errant tear. "I…I need to go Olivia. I'm going to be late." She pushed past her ex-lover and hurried down the hall.

Olivia watched her go and only after she was out of sight did it dawn on her that Alex hadn't even asked about the nature of her relationship with Jennifer.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex Cabot put all of her force into the side kick and nodded in satisfaction at the thud her foot made as it connected with the gloved hand of her sponsor, Mike. She followed up with three more short kicks and with a final cry, she landed a blow to his midsection, sending him backwards.

"Damn Alex! When I suggested you take up kick boxing as a stress reliever, I never knew you'd take it so seriously."

"Sorry Mike. I just, well, I just got so angry earlier."

He stood up. "With Olivia?"

She gave him a sort of shrug. "More like me actually. If I'd been better, I could be with her right now instead of having to be celibate and relationship free for a year."

"She got your juices flowing, huh?" He gave her a cocky smile.

She slugged him playfully on the arm. "Hush! I never should have told you I'm a lesbian."

"Come on, I'll buy you a smoothie at the fruit bar."

XXXXXXXXX

Elliot approached the address Olivia had given him. He scowled when he entered and saw that it was a health food stand and his partner was downing some sort of fruity concoction.

"Liv? When you asked me to meet you for a drink, I thought you meant a drink-drink. Not this fruity health shit."

She slid a peach colored drink over toward him and smiled as he carefully took a sip. She laughed as he started slurping it down.

"Now isn't that better than some alcoholic drink?"

"Well it's not too bad." He smiled as she made a final slurping sound. "So, what happened with Cabot?"

"I'm not sure." She spent the next few minutes filling Elliot in on her encounter, finishing with Alex's rejection of her.

He scratched his head and studied his partner.

"I don't know Liv. Sounds like the queen's without a king."

They both turned in the direction of the door as the bell chimed, alerting them to someone entering the store. Olivia's eyes bulged as she saw Alex with a good looking, muscular guy. They were laughing and he had his hand on her lower back.

Alex's face grew somber as she saw Olivia. The brunette jumped up and bolted out the door, leaving a bewildered Alex and Elliot behind. Stabler glared at Alex and stormed out after his partner.


	7. Woman Never Been Born

**Special shout out to Badcrumble2. Thanks for the kind words!**

Alex Cabot stood in front of the Stabler house waiting on Elliot. It had been one week since the disastrous events at the health food shop and Alex had tried calling Olivia several times without luck. She'd finally swallowed her pride and gone to see Elliot, needing someone to talk to who knew them both.

Elliot stepped out on his front stoop, unwilling to ask the blonde into his home. He took a good look at her and realized she looked just as bad, if not worse than his partner. Shaking his head he took a seat on the top step and motioned for her to join him.

"What's going on Alex?"

"How much do you know?"

"My partner has never confirmed that the two of you get naked on occasion, but I am a detective and she's not bothering to deny it."

"So that's it?"

He looked at her. "No. I also know that at various times the both of you have sported bruises and black eyes, usually at the same time. At first I thought it was just rough sex, but I think it's more than that?"

Alex took a deep breath. "Elliot, we love each other in our own sick, twisted way. We can't stand to be together, but we can't bear to be apart. We do awful things to each other and then we make up and the cycle starts anew." She shook her head.

"When did she start slapping you around?"

Alex's head whipped in his direction and she could see the vein on his forehead popping out. She started shaking her head.

"Elliot, no. It's not her that started this; it was me." She took a deep breath, looked him in the eye and said, "Elliot Stabler, I, Alex Cabot, am a batterer. I have hit Olivia, pushed her, shoved her, even bit her once. I have anger issues that I am trying to work on."

Elliot turned and looked at her, disbelief and then anger etched on his features.

"You hit her? You gave her those bruises? Black eyes?"

Ashamed of her actions, she could only nod.

"What else Alex? What else do you two do to each other?"

"We sleep with other people to hurt each other. Olivia drinks, I pick up men." She shrugged.

Elliot thought about Olivia's actions since coming back from LA. He thought about all the health food drinks she'd been consuming and how she hadn't drank anything stronger than carrot juice in his presence since getting back.

"So who was that guy last week?"

"Mike. He's my sponsor." At his look she explained, "I'm going to a batterers support group. And anger management class. I'm learning how to redirect my anger and Mike is helping with that." At Elliot's raised eyebrow she smiled. "Not like that. He knows I'm a lesbian. He does kick boxing and he's gotten me into that. We'd just finished at the gym when he offered to buy me a smoothie."

"Yeah, Liv's been on this health food kick ever since she got back. She asked me to meet her for a drink to discuss…stuff. Little did I know she meant a fruit bar." He smiled at her. "So you're not doing the horizontal mambo with Mike?"

Alex laughed. "Heaven's no! Part of the program is that you can't be involved with anyone for a year. Which is also a vow of celibacy."

Elliot grimaced. "Like AA, huh?" She nodded. "So what? You still want to be with Liv, but you can't because of the program?"

"Yes, I think I would. Elliot, I love her and I am really trying to get my act together. She says there is nothing going on between her and this Jennifer person. Is that true?"

"You two ever lie to each other?"

Alex shook her head. "No. That's the one thing we've never done. Even when we probably should have."

"Then why aren't you believing her now?"

"I…I don't know. I guess I'm afraid she'll move on before I get my act together."

Elliot stood up and patted her on the shoulder. "Not likely Alex. Go see her and tell her what you told me."

XXXXXXXXXX

Olivia scowled at the buzzing noise that kept coming from her intercom. She stomped over to it and pushed the button, growling, "Go away Alex! And stop buzzing my door!"

She waited to see if the buzzing started again and was secretly disappointed when it didn't. Satisfied that it wasn't going to start again, she settled on her couch. She picked up a magazine and started flipping through it. The first time she heard the sound it was faint. The next time it was slightly louder and the third time it sounded like a bird flying into her window. She got up and looked out, expecting to see a stunned bird on the ledge. Instead she saw a determined looking Alex Cabot standing on the sidewalk, hurling pebbles at her window.

Angry, she yanked the window open and ducked as another pebble just missed her head.

"What are you doing Alex?"

"I need to talk to you Olivia! Now let me up!"

"No! Why don't you go talk to that muscle head you're probably sleeping with!"

"I am not sleeping with him!"

"Don't insult me by lying to me again Alex! Please."

Alex glanced around her and throwing caution to the wind she screamed, "He's my sponsor Olivia Benson!"

Confused, Olivia stuck her head out the window.

"Sponsor? For what?"

Alex took a deep breath and replied, "I, Alex Cabot, am a batterer Olivia. I am in recovery and Mike is my sponsor. We'd just finished a kick boxing lesson at the gym when he offered to buy me a smoothie. Now, can I please come up before Mrs. Cano calls the police?"

Olivia nodded and went to answer the buzzer.

XXXXXXXXXX

3 Hours Later

Olivia took Alex's hand in her own. They'd spent the last few hours discussing their deepest, darkest thoughts and fears.

"I'm proud of you Alex."

"And I'm proud of you Olivia."

The brunette leaned in and captured Alex's lips. The kiss was over before it began as Alex squirmed away from Olivia.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Olivia, part of my treatment, recovery, whatever you want to call it, is that I can't have any romantic relationships or…sex even, for a year."

"What? Well how much longer is that?"

Alex smiled. "I'm at the half way point." She gave Olivia's hand a squeeze. "Liv, I know you. I'll completely understand if you need to go off and have your needs met. I'm not expecting you to take a vow of celibacy."

Olivia shook her head. "No, I'll wait Alex. No more bed hopping. I'll wait."

Tears sprang to Alex's eyes. "You're going to be waiting for a woman who's never been born."

Olivia kissed her on the forehead. "We'll wait together."


	8. Not as Hard as it Seems

**And this is the end. As always, check out svuladies net and subscribe to my mailing list on the site. Most of the stories I post here have long since been published on that list. Thank you for reading/reviewing. This story dealt with domestic violence. It happens to all classes and educational backgrounds. It happens in the lesbian world just as much if not more. I believe if they hit you once, they'll hit you again. I believe change is possible, but it is a long process and "I'm sorry" isn't the answer. If you are in an abusive relationship, get out, get help.  
**

Alex and Olivia had spent the past few months sort of but not really dating. Meaning, they'd spend time together, go to movies, museums, the occasional play, but yet they always spent the night apart. Aside from the occasional peck on the cheek, they hadn't shown affection for each other.

Not that both women hadn't wanted to get naked with the other, but Alex and by default Olivia, had taken her vow of celibacy seriously. The result had been Alex jumping into kick boxing with a vigor Olivia had never seen the blonde put forth before.

Olivia had to admit seeing Alex hot and sweaty made her feel hot and needy. She'd masturbated more in the last few months than she could ever remember doing before.

For her part, Olivia had taken up painting, which hadn't really helped considering all she wanted to do were nudes of Alex. She'd also been without the benefit of alcohol as long as Alex had been celibate. She had started drinking herbal tea, but that was as hard as it got.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Olivia watched Alex go at it with Mike and licked her lips at the sight of a sweaty Alex Cabot. The blonde's hair was damp and matted to her forehead and there was a sweat spot on her t-shirt. And the look of concentration on her face reminded Olivia of other times she'd looked that determined. That only caused her libido to climb even higher than it already was.

She watched as Alex finished up and made her way over to where she was sitting. She couldn't help but lick her lips.

"Hey Liv!"

"Counselor. You must have been really angry today. You were merciless on poor ol' Mike."

Alex smiled. "Not angry, just very, very horny. A certain detective wore a certain pair of Chino 's with a certain leather jacket today." She leaned in and gave Olivia a tiny peck on the lips.

"Alex?"

She shrugged. "It's getting close Liv. I don't see why we can't start letting off a little steam." She glanced back at Mike. "Besides, Mike and I talked to the group facilitator and he said it was ok. Just not all the way." She grinned at Olivia.

"So…we could go on like an actual date?" Alex nodded. "Tomorrow night? I'll pick you up?"

"Ok. How about we hit the smoothie bar for now?"

XXXXXXXXXX

2 Weeks Later

Alex and Olivia were making out on the blonde's couch. As soon as Olivia's hand slipped in under Alex's shirt and found her breast, the blonde pulled back. She took Olivia's hand in her own and smiled.

"Sorry Alex."

"No, I'm sorry Liv. I shouldn't have let it get this far." She moved away from the brunette a little and took a deep breath. "Will you stay here tonight? Please?"

"Uh...won't that...doesn' t that sort of defeat everything?"

"I mean just to sleep, with me, in my bed? Please?"

Olivia swallowed hard. "Do you think we can make it?"

Alex gave her a full blown Cabot smile. "Yes, I do. Liv, our first time was right after a fight. Our sex after that always had a sense of anger and violence to it. I don't remember us ever just sleeping together. I want that. I want to know that we can be together without violence being a part of it."

Olivia smiled at her. "Ok. I don't have anything to sleep in though."

Alex got up and went into her bedroom. She came back out with a pair of lounge pants and a t-shirt.

"These are new and I bought them especially for you. For this."

Olivia nodded and went to change.

Alex was already waiting for her in bed when she emerged from the bathroom. The blonde smiled at her and held the covers back. Olivia slid in between the sheets and tried to turn so that she could hold the blonde. Alex shook her head and wrapped Olivia in her arms from behind.

"This is nice Alex."

Alex nuzzled her neck and murmured, "Yes it is." As Olivia began to relax, Alex did likewise, rubbing the brunette's stomach. "I want us to just love each other Olivia without fear or anger."

"How much longer until we can make love?"

Alex chuckled. "13 days, three hours."

XXXXXXXXXXX

14 Days Later

Olivia stood outside Alex's door nervously. She shifted from foot to foot and waited on the blonde to unlock the door.

Alex opened the door and smiled at her lover. She stepped aside and ushered her inside.

They sat at Alex's table having a simple dinner of spaghetti, bottled water and Caesar salad. They chatted off and on before the conversation lulled into silence. Olivia noticed Alex became quiet and seemed to be wrestling with something.

"Alex? Is something wrong? Have you changed your mind?"

The blonde's head snapped up. "What? No, not at all. I just….Liv, I need to take the lead tonight."

"The lead? The lead on what?"

Alex blushed. "On this. Us. You know, what we're going to be doing later." She lowered her voice. "Making love?"

Olivia made the 'oh' expression with her mouth and nodded. "So you want, need to…top?"

Alex gave a sort of shrug. "I don't know if 'top' is the right word or not, but I need to be in control."

Olivia frowned. "Control? Alex I don't think sex is about control."

"No! No that's not what I mean. I mean, I need to know that I can touch you without hurting you. Does that make sense?"

Olivia's eyes softened. "I think I'd like that."

Alex smiled and stood up. She began clearing the table, allowing Olivia to help her. After they finished the brunette started for the bedroom, but Alex stopped her.

"Liv you asked me if I wanted to go away some place special tonight and I said no. You suggested dinner out and I said no. Liv, I want us to just have a normal night like a normal couple and make love like a normal couple. I need to know that I can do this like any other normal, non-abusive partner."

"So…what?"

"Let's just watch TV, lay on the couch. We have all night."

"Ok."

XXXXXXXXXX

2 Hours later

Alex stood up and held her hand out to Olivia. The brunette took hold of it and allowed the blonde to lead her into the bedroom. They stood at the foot of the bed watching each other for a few moments while Alex worked up the courage to touch Olivia.

She began by caressing her face and silently seeking permission to move lower. Olivia smiled at her and watched as Alex began unbuttoning her outer shirt and pushed it off of her shoulders. Alex moved with a sense of purpose and deliberate slowness, driving Olivia crazy with desire. Soon she had the brunette naked before her and started to unbutton her own shirt. Olivia reached out and stopped her, opting to undress the blonde instead.

"You aren't the only one who needs to know they can touch without hurting someone Alex."

Soon they were naked and lying on Alex's bed, touching and caressing each other. Alex bestowed numerous kisses onto Olivia and slowly and carefully settled on top of her. As they continued kissing and loving each other, Alex kept constant eye contact with Olivia, needing to watch her lover's face.

"Alex, it's ok. I love you."

The blonde smiled at her lover and nodded, whispering, "I love you too. I want to be so much for you Olivia. For me. For us."

She moved down Olivia's body and spread the brunette's legs. She inhaled and sighed at the scent of Olivia. Her woman. Using her nose, she nudged through the mound of hair and flicked her tongue against the brunette's clit.

"Oh God. Alex…"

The blonde took Olivia's hips more firmly into her hands and began pleasuring her, not stopping until she'd brought her crashing over the edge. She quickly moved up the detective's body and gathered her into her arms. She held her and whispered her love to the brunette. She held Olivia until the brunette drifted off to sleep.

XXXXXXXXX

Later

Olivia awoke to find blue eyes looking down at her. She shifted and smiled up at her lover.

"How long did I sleep?"

Alex brushed the hair off the brunette's forehead. "About an hour."

Olivia rose up and kissed her. "Sorry about that."

"Not a problem. This is the first time I ever got to watch you sleep."

They both laughed, realizing their previous couplings had been angry, quick and left little room for actual intimacy.

Olivia flipped the blonde over and began kissing her all over. "Now I'd like the chance to watch you sleep. After I pleasure you of course."

She moved down Olivia's body and lavished attention all over her. She settled between the blonde's legs and took a moment to just look at her.

"Hey Alex, did you know you have a black mole just inside your thigh near your…stuff?"

Alex laughed. "Stuff? How articulate, but yes, I am aware of all my markings. I'm glad you're getting acquainted."

"Let me get more acquainted."

She began thrusting her tongue in and out of Alex before turning her attention to the blonde's clit.

Alex climaxed with a shout of Olivia's name and allowed the brunette to hold her as she had been held. Tears sprang to her eyes.

"I love you Olivia and I am so sorry for all the pain I've caused you. Do you forgive me?"

"Only if you forgive me Alex. We were broken Alex, but now we are whole."

Alex smiled at her and laughed.

"What?"

"This isn't as hard as it seems, is it?"

"No, it's not."

"Let's sleep Olivia. We have all the time in the world to watch each other sleep."


End file.
